The right necktie
looks good on the right man
and the one draped around the neck of this stoic mannequin
looks like it needs the right man
I’ve been staring at it through this dirty shop window
for a good silent ten minutes now
apathetic to the scampering feet on the sidewalk
ignoring the cursing engines killing the street behind me
I peer through murky glass
past a smudge of someone's forehead imprint
a hair gel swipe
beyond some oily finger smears
and a greasy hand print
looks like someone’s coffee spill is glowing lower down too
I don’t know why they always put the best men’s accessories
on display dolls that look like
shell shocked Nazi storm troopers
but if you could imagine that necktie on a decent living and breathing man
then you got yourself a real snazzy tie
it’s got swirling patterns
of light ocean greens flowing into soft midnight reds
horizon purples swaying into sky yellows
and a dash of morning blues shining into silver
the whole universe of know colours is right here
captured in this single tie
it’s two smokes later now
and I know I am the right man
for this necktie
it’s probably been waiting for me here all along
waiting for me to walk past here
to turn my head
and to set my eyes
on its beauty…
Part 2
They say Queen Elizabeth prefers
proper old fashioned long neckties
to bow ties
I honestly don’t blame her
bow ties
especially the ones which has polka dots on them
are for sneaky life insurance consultants
dubious chain-smoking second-hand car salesmen
and overweight computer geeks
stuck somewhere on a fifth floor
daylight deprived wire invested technological dungeon
and they say
Her Majesty can also spot the difference between
a proper folded bowtie
and a clip on bowtie
from a mile away
proper folded bowties make her squirm
clip on bowties gives her the heebie-jeebies
don’t you dare go near her with either one
she’ll get a Beefeater to slap you around
I’ve seen a few of them my life
and when it comes to dress code
I’ll put them right there at the top
on the list of best dressed men
I bet you won’t find any of them wearing a bow tie
ever
yeah, I don’t blame her for her fondness for proper neckties
and I bet you right now
she’ll like the one hanging right here in front of me
on the other side of this filthy shop window
choking this frozen fake fascist foot soldier
I’ll probably never meet Her Royal Highness
unless of course
she orders me over to Buckingham Palace
I’ll pitch up there with my guitar
a wide brimmed hat
worn with a slight slope at the left of course
with decent light brown leather
well-polished wing tip shoes
the kind that has the small stiches and imprinted patterns
all the way from the lace holes to the toe tips
I like them the most out of all the men’s shoes out there
they got character
you walk around with them for a few weeks
and they’ll become part of your personality
they’ll tell the story of how a pair of well walked feet
has taken care of the man who they belong too
then I’ll add in a khaki coloured pants with tight pressed seams
accentuated by a slight matching light brown coloured blazer
a one hundred percent black pure wool black waist coat below
emphasised by a sunset crimson scarf
draped loosely over my shoulders
I’ll wear a light purple coloured long sleeved shirt
with cufflinks that’s got small square black stones
set in golden casings
right below my wrists
with this beautiful tie folded nicely under
a steam pressed not too tight fitting collar
and that tie knot
will be a good old fashioned Four-in-hand knot
it’s a much smaller and elegant knot
than all the rest out there
it gives you that heroic last stand air of imperial formality
yet, has that slight colonist screw the world skewness in its fold
which also says
“I’m might be wearing a real decent necktie
but I’m a wild one baby
I was born in a typhoon
you kiss me the right way
I’ll make you fly to the moon”
I don’t think the Queen would have ever given me a kiss though
she's too decent for that
but if she ever could have
I would have fired her up all the way to the Sea of Tranquillity
and made her glide right back man
and that tie would have been the booster for my solid rocket fuel
then afterwards
I would have poured her a gin and tonic
dropped two ice cubes in her mix
rounded it off with a thin slice of lime floating between the cubes
given it a good stir
and handed it over to her
with a Sean Connery smile
I would have proven to her right there and then
that I mix the best gin and tonic south side of the Equator
I don’t know about the North thought
there possibly could be a guy up somewhere in
Yorkshire?
who could give me a run for my dough
but I would have handed her than drink with this beautiful tie
and she possibly could have said something like;
“Now that’s the best damn tie I’ve seen in some time.
Philip, get over here and check out the tie on this guy.
Have you ever seen such a decent thing on a man before?”
then I would have sat right down beside her
sang her a few songs
with the back of my guitar
kissing this beautiful tie.
Part 3
He’s leaning over the counter on the far side of the shop floor
lifts his head when I walk through the door
and keeps his eyes on me as I slowly walk towards him
I liked this shop the moment I set foot in it
the fresh and comfortable smell of brand new cloth and material
hangs heavy in the air
fills my lungs with fragrances
from India, soft textiles shipped in all the way Mumbai
from China, delicate fabrics flown in from Shanghai
scents from a quiet forgotten cobbled alley in Europe
breathing handsome designs from Paris
the walls and shelves are crammed
with all forms and styles of jackets
precisely cut and stitched blazers and waistcoats
suits, pants, shirts and scarves
hanging waist belts, underwear and socks
and rows of neat and well-made shoes
all the colours are there
sunsets from Punjab
dawns from Argentina
purples from the United Kingdom
and rainbows from the Far East
it’s a place that caters for the middle aged man and older
thank you for that
I can’t wear all the crap clothing and styles
sold in all the chain stores around town
where your pants hang down to beneath your hips
half your underwear is exposed at your backside
for the whole wide world to see
no one there has ever hear of a waist belt before
you pay loads of cash for denims with holes in them
why don’t you just do a week’s labour on a squid jigger
you get your holes for free
they even got jocks that crawl up your crack
made for softies that’s never heard of a zipper or a fly before
and if you spend enough of your money
they’ll throw in floppy cap
that says
“…I love NY…”
despite the fact that you’re crawling around
on a spot
that’s as far as the continent of Africa would go
there’s shirts with half sleeves
with their front tails too short
and shoes that are pointed to spear tips
giving you that
“I’m-one-of-the-Seven-Dwarves” look
that’s got soles thinner than the skin on your feet
no, not for me
but here
where I’m standing right now
this is my kind of men’s clothing store
and as I walk closer to that white haired man behind the counter
I feel real comfortable
knowing that here is a place
where a man would never be conned
out of a decent set of clothing
and could stay in touch with that never out of fashion and style
called
good old fashioned
sophistication
Part 4
His name is David
it says so in golden letters printed on the name tag
pinned on his left breast
through the glowing white silk shirt he’s wearing
he is about sixty years old
his white beard and handlebar moustache well groomed
he's got the hands of a tailor
and the look in his eye
of a man who is honest and well bred
“Good morning sir!” he says when I am few feet away
he rises and a large smile appears
below his flowing white facial hair
“…how can I be of assistance today?”
“Good morning”, I greet him back
“….yeah, I was looking at that necktie you have there
on the display doll over there behind the front window…”
I swing my left thumb half way
over my shoulder
to make sure he knows what I’m talking about
“Yes sir,” comes his quick reply
“…that’s a real nice necktie. It’s a Tabio, …from Milan.”
“Really, …so it’s imported?”
“Yes sir…” and he drops his left arm under the counter
removes a small rectangular brown box from below
and gently places it on the counter top in front of me
he gently removes the lid
and there she is
the exact same necktie
all folded neatly in soft white packaging
with all the colours and shines
exactly where they’re supposed to be
“I only keep one in stock and a second out there on the mannequin” he says again
he removes it from the box and folds it out over the counter
it’s beautiful
he knows I’m in love with it
“Well sir, you know, I necktie like this…” and he slowly strokes it down with both hands
“…is really not a neck tie at all.”
Ok, so he’s got me here. “How come?” I ask
“A tie like this is not an accessory, …it’s a social statement.”
Now that I didn’t know, but I am with him all the way. “Really, …so what does it say?”
“It says…” and he raises his hands
in charismatic salutation style
fixing his eyes onto a spot of unknown heavenly peace
somewhere behind my head
hidden in a jam-packed shelf
then smiles
and with a low voice resumes…
“It says, ...I have arrived…”
I can see it
I know exactly where he’s coming from
“Now that I like a lot”, I say again, “…but how much we’re talking about for arriving?”
“Well sir, …for you, …I’ll let it go for, …three hundred and forty nine bucks and ninety nine cents.”
“Now that’s a pretty heavy priced social statement you got there.”
“Indeed it is sir, but the price just lasts a moment…
…the social statement lasts a life-time.”
damn, he’s good
he knows his trade
he’s got every angle covered
I like this guy a lot
he lowers his voice even more
and in much slower and gentler words mumbles
“Sir, I got to ask you this question…
…are you a man that is there where he needs to be…
…or are you a man that’s still on his way where he needs to be?”
I think about it for a second or two and then give it to him straight
“I got to tell you the truth…
…I’m positive, I’m a man that was born where he needs to be…”
there you go
I knew I could send it right back
“Well that’s even better…” he says again
“…it means you’re a man that’s home bound guaranteed…
…and square footed where he needs to be…
…and a man like that…
…needs to state that fact to the world…
…with a decent Tabio necktie like this…
…for three hundred and forty nine bucks and ninety nine cents…
…so the world knows, he arrived the day he was born…”
damn this guy is good!
I like him a lot!
Part 5
I’ve been standing in front of this dressing mirror
for at least five minutes now
checking out this beautiful tie
gently looped around my neck
and knotted with a Four-in-hand knot
David is standing quietly behind me
he’s got a huge grin somewhere below his flowing white moustache
he knows I’m the right man for this tie
and I appreciate the fact
that he helped me
set it up nice and neat just below my chin
it’s perfect
it falls gently down to my guts
as far as it is supposed to go
exactly the way it should
it’s symmetrical on both sides
the colours look real good in the light
all in all
not a bad deal for
three hundred and forty nine bucks and ninety nine cents
I think Queen Elizabeth would have been stoned on this tie
after she drank my gin and tonic
and listened to a few of my songs
watching the back of my guitar
kiss this beautiful tie
she probably would have said
“Philip, let’s buy this man a meal…”
I would have hooked onto Philip’s arm at my right
and latched onto Her Majesty's at my left
and marched them both
straight down to the front entrance
or exit
of Buckingham Palace
I bet you some of the guards down there
would have turned their eyes
below their tall woolly hats
thinking to themselves
“Check out the snazzy tie around this guy’s neck…
…no wonder he gets to march the heads of the royal household…
…all the way over there to that fancy restaurant across the street…”
there probably would have been some of those MI-6 guys
fluttering around
in the shadows behind us somewhere
scanning out my whole pedigree
on their James Bond devices
tracking down every single
buccaneer
sailor
wasted soul
or half breathing human being
I either smacked around
or drank with
laughed with
or misbehaved with
in every single
back-alley bar
booze hole
half floating frigate
rusting trawler
or near sinking ship
half way around the world
but I wouldn’t mind at all
for I would be walking right there
in the middle of the two coolest people ever
with this real smart necktie
shining out like universal gold
and of course Her Majesty would have had her appropriate smile
for she would have read
and understood
that social statement
which I paid handsomely for
which says…
…I have arrived…
Conrad Kruger van den Bergh (Copyright, 2016)
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