She stumbles down
the dark stairway
falling with the shadows
the sluggish lightbulb
dangling from
electric wires above
yellowing the air
condemning her into
a dark wraithlike figure
a reminder that Hell
is in this world
in the painful steps
of hurt and memories
people keep inside
of them
until they lose
their footing
on the Earth
she moves towards
the lobby
not minding stepping
into the dirt
scattered all over
the stairs
all the way down
or to slightly slip on
the cracked
and broken concrete
below her feet
or the breath the
mould
from the paint
stripped walls
her fingers grip the
railing
sliding with her
descent
and her ring
the one she always
wears
scratching the filthy
surface
deep
with the twisted
rhythm
of her chaotic movement
and two golden
bangles
around her thin
wrist
ringing like far
away chimes
she steps into the dim
lobby
reaches for the old copper
doorknob
turns the handle
opens the door
and greets the
darkness
on the other side
and it is the gale
feeding on the sky
which tears a howl
through the streets
and I know
without having to
look
that she closed her
eyes
the moment she saw
the night
but it is that wind
that finds her fears
which blows her
blond curls
to reveal her
delicate neck
and the feathered earring
which she loves to
wear
I stand there
at the top of the
stairway
nearly naked
only in my underwear
my arms folded into
each other
tightly to my chest
shivering
watching her
a few seconds
earlier
I was still laying
on my sofa
heard her apartment
door slam
heard her running
down the hallway
crying
I headed for my
front door
opened it and ran
after her
fast enough to see
her crimson dress
curl around the
corner
flapping gently down
the stairway
I raced towards the
stairs
just in time to see
her
head down
and to open the door
the meet the darkness
“Where you’re
going!” I call to her
and in the slight
lifting of her chin
and sudden tilt of
her head
I know she did not
know I ran after her
or was standing there
watching her broken
moves
she turns
and I find her eyes
through her messy blond
hair
vailing most of her
face
but not the dirty
lines and smudges
of tears upon her
cheeks
she stares back at
me
not saying a word
trying to pretend
that she wasn’t
crying moments before
trying to fake
that she wasn’t
hurting
she turns her eyes away
from me
tries to gaze over
her shoulder
tries to find the open
door
the darkness
and once again the
freezing wind
finds her hair
“Where you’re
going?” I ask her again
she turns her eyes back
to me again
“I just gotta’ get
out of here…”, her voice softer than usual
I don’t want her to
go
“It’s freezing out
there” I say again “The wind’s blowing everything away. Come back up. I’ll fix
you a drink”
she doesn’t answer
just stands there
at the open door
not moving
lowering her eyes to
the floor
and cries again
I don’t go down the
stairs to her
I know her too well
she wouldn’t want me
there right now
she just wants to
stand there
and cry
just for a moment
that’s how she is
she prefers to cry
alone
“How did you do it?”
She asks me through her tears
“Did what?”
“Kill the Devil
inside of you?”
I know what she is
talking about
know it all too well
“I didn’t. …I just
keep him stoned on booze all the time …and hope he never comes to”
and that is the
truth
he and his daemons
and ghosts
enjoy their time
around my table
I make them take
their time to drink my whiskey
to make sure they don’t
go anywhere soon
she wipes her tears from
her cheeks
with the back of a hand
struggles to speak
“I wasn’t there, you
know…”
I don’t answer her
I don’t have an
answer for her
I just stand there
shivering
in my jocks
looking down at her
“…I wasn’t there when
Sarah got her degree the other day… I wasn’t there to watch her walk around in
one of those classy black robes… or to take a nice picture of her. I only got
an old picture of my girl, …but I know she’s got beautiful hair you know…”
she was hurting
she was hurting
more than what any
soul
was ever meant to
bear
her chest shaking
and her words
disappearing
through her tears
“Please, …come back
upstairs” I say again, “I’ll fix you a drink”
“No. I just want to
get out of here”
and she turns
slips through the
doorway
into the darkness
and all I get to see
is her crimson dress
flapping around the
corned
disappearing into
midnight
out of sight
I don’t try to stop
her
I don’t go after her
I just let her go
to deal with her
pain
because there is
nothing in this world
that I could ever
say
or do
to fix all the hurt
that was burning
inside her brain
devouring her soul
for how do I support
her
and what do I say
to my friend Mazzy
close to midnight
on this day
the fifth of
September
when
twenty-six years ago
she was forced
to give up
her infant daughter…
Conrad Kruger van
den Bergh (Copyright, 2016)
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